unjust

Always it returns.
Despite all the revelling, the social validation, the amount of people willing to fuck me in various ways,
always comes back.  
This piercing loneliness.
Cuts me into pieces
Or am i shattering myself at other people's feet?
i hope that's not the case because that is somewhat rude.
i have so many playmates.  One or two i can snuggle with and feel comfortable.
But availability is sporadic at best, and i never know if i can get what i want or need from
the people around me.  i feel pathetic.
i thought i wasn't pathetic anymore.
That the new ruthless me, gets what he wants and says what he means, had conquered this inevitable feeling of abandoned isolation.  
i can't stand feeling this way,
and i am always back here on this rundown highway in the middle of nowhere
no one to answer this "voice that crieth in the wilderness."
Fuck fuck fuck.
Please won't someone lie down with me, not out of exhaustion, but out of the desire to be pressed to my skin and enveloped in the luminescent heat of my love?
WHAT IS THAT LIKE?  
i feel i am given a taste now and then, brief brushes, chance encounters while traveling, intense flairs of stars and galaxies which burn out all too quickly.
It's never enough.  i think i forge a connexion that may be worth something, and then they don't answer for days and have nothing to say about it.  i've never longed for someone who felt the same compulsion to see me every chance they could.  And no one who has ever felt that for me (so far as i can tell) has ever been one i could reciprocate.  
Universal logistics are so goddamn fucked.  
Someone said some of the sweetest things over the last few weeks.  
But i've no illusions.  
Someone else professed their love.
But i've no illusions.
So many have promised me things
but i've no illusions.
And so many say they love, lust, adore, etc. me,
and yet they shy away when i reach.

i watch others pair off, watch them be satisfied in basic things i've never known or felt,
and i want to smash the world.  i want to crush the moon and hurl it into the ocean.  i want to destroy everything that exists in its happy dualism because it reminds me that i am not complete, nor will i be.  

In a way it fuels my romanticism.  Suffering yields great art.
And i've known for a very long time that my destiny would be a lonely one,
but i still rail at the injustice of it.